#uhhhhh oh yeah

[vix-png]

hello chilaios community . animation meme be upon ye .

OG BY rakkutron ON TIKTOK (?!1?)

[keferon]

The tac net crash chapter is one of my favorites so far~

Ah and. Guess what. I just discovered that including this post, I made 50 pieces of fanart for Mistakes on mistakes until.. I’m so sane and normal about this story can you tell👍

[infiniteglitterfall]

It's been incredibly difficult to hear from Palestinians in Gaza, not to mention center their experiences and platform their voices. Because ever since Hamas violently kicked the Palestinian government out of Gaza in 2007, it's denied Palestinians the right to free speech.

(Here's Palestinian human rights activist Hamza Howidy sarcastically wondering why Hamas isn't stopping the theft of humanitarian aid when it had the power to arrest him for a social media post within 4 hours.)

I'm working on a series of posts of Palestinians to platform. I came across this thread from someone who used Snapchat to talk to people in Gaza, so I thought I'd post it here in the meantime.

I've seen videos of Palestinians talking about not being able to evacuate because "Hamas has closed all the roads," a video of a Palestinian telling the IDF that Hamas has a car blocking the Salah-al-Din road (the evacuation route) and is pointing guns at people and telling them to turn around. But even as someone searching for Palestinian voices and looking for information about this, I hadn't heard that Hamas had been killing civilians trying to evacuate. (And probably reporting their deaths as part of the daily total.)

I mean, just the fact that the Gaza Strip is run as a separate country from the rest of Palestine is a huge barrier for Palestinians. It's hard to be accepted as a full member of the UN when your country functionally has two or three different governments.

(Confusingly, the PLO is considered the government of Palestine internationally. Abbas is the president of both PLO and the Palestinian Authority, so it sort of works as long as nobody has an election. But the fact that Palestinians have been denied an election for 18+ years, because Abbas keeps cancelling elections and Hamas is Hamas, is also a pretty big fucking problem.)

But it's also true that a huge number of the people in the Gaza Strip, while obviously having a big problem with the Israeli government, have at least as big of a problem with Hamas.

And for all of our decades of talk about Free Palestine, in the progressive movement, we pay shockingly little attention to that.

[1driedpersimmon]

Lots of Sesame doodles :3 hes on a fishing break (sorry Doma… he’ll be back I promise)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

*posts this and runs away. i trip and fall into an open manhole, dying instantly*

[inkizblog]

hey yall.. remember that fountain pen i found irl that looked like my object sona

yeahh… i own it now

and in celebration i have drawn fountain pen with that fountain pen!!! clever ik

excuse the wings and the limb patterns I’m really tired

if you want me to draw anything else with the fountain pen just comment! also if you want you can make fountain pen fanart, just make sure it is appropriate (ex: not s3xual or no gore or anything like that)

your likes are greatly appreciated!! :3

[seafoamsol]

Process gif for the [ last piece ]! It was a bit of a rough ride.

[pup-pee]

unusual turn of events where some1 doesnt want 2 get up

[idostuffig]

Ship names that have both full names >>

[deoidesign]

just to inquire, what’s your favorite thing you sell in your shop?

i love your comic!

Oh thank you!

And my favorite thing... That's hard to answer haha

I like selling prints because I get to use my nice printer (which I love to do) and I especially love selling custom panel prints, because then I get to see people's favorite panels from my comic, which is double nice...

The most fun items to pack are the merch bundles which are themed with my books, I LOVE coming up with packaging design like this so much...

But my favorite design has gotta be one of these... Probably the patch, there.

It's really hard for me to pick!

I actually genuinely just am really passionate about product design and merch themeing, it's not only extremely fun for me but it also just really engages my brain. I love coming up with items that fit a theme, and there's no theme I love more than my own comics haha

So there's not much I could enjoy more! That's why I chose to do a merch club on patreon, it lets me get out my merch-y feelings but without overloading my storefront... Plus it's just really fun for me! I get to experiment, make little packages, and enjoy making new things.

Thank you for asking!

[just-a-girl-with-a-pistol]

Not playing LoR again cuz I missed his voice no, noooohohooooo who told you that?

[sailforvalinor]

.

[fifizero]

i don't think i'll ever finish this so here you go !!

my commission are open btw

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

farewell youtube... it was a Time...

[muirmarie]

[tw: suicidal thoughts, terminal illness, mentions of vomiting]

somehow 3400 words of accidental story???? may edit/rewrite a little and throw up on ao3 idk, but it stands as-is. vaguely mcspirk.

________

my father was a betting man

________

for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky where starfleet sends a cmo replacement before they go to yonada, and mccoy - mccoy goes back home. where else is he going to go? kirk and spock are throwing him away, aren't they - he'd asked jim to let him stay, but instead he'd - well. it doesn't matter.

he goes home. he goes home to joanna. she's sixteen years old. younger than he was when his father -

he goes home to joanna, and he counts out his months, and he makes a plan for how he's going to put the period on his life, because he's not going to put her through what he went through. he's not going to let her watch him die. he's not going to beg her -

well, it doesn't matter, does it.

he looks in the mirror in the mornings, and he sees his father's face, and he looks at her blue eyes and he wonders if he was ever that young. wonders -

he doesn't reply to any messages from kirk and spock, but he keeps in sporadic contact with uhura and scotty. he doesn't ask them not to pass anything along - he won't do that to them - so he just doesn't tell them anything true. never asks them anything real.

it's just, he thinks. he killed his father, after all. it's just and it's fitting that he goes out like this. but he won't let joanna -

she wants to move in with him and take care of him, and he won't let her. he won't let jocelyn be the bad guy, either, even though she'd let him, he knows. she'd let him tell joanna that jocelyn wouldn't let her. they haven't loved each other in years, but she was there when his dad -

jocelyn would let him, if he asked. he doesn't ask. it's his fault.

he won't let joanna take him to the doctor, won't let her pick up his medications, won't let her stay over in case she hears him throwing up at 3am again, won't let her help with all the sundries that come up when you're slowly wasting away.

he knows she wants to help, knows what he's doing isn't fair, either, but what is fairness when it comes to families? what is fairness when it comes to the memories and the regrets and the forked paths you can never, ever backtrack to.

why did you even come home, she asks, if you weren't going to let me help? she's so angry. she reminds him so much of himself.

what can he tell her? the truth, that he had nowhere else to go? the truth, that he is selfish and he couldn't bear never seeing her again? the truth, that it turns out that he really is his father's son?

that she really is her father's daughter?

he has nightmares, some nights, imagining that this is the great curse on the mccoy family tree. imagining her in thirty years right back here, in this moment, right where he is. he knows how many terminal illnesses there are in this universe. any one of them could have her name on it.

i'll be most effective on the job in the time left, if you'll keep this to yourself

the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...

jocelyn chooses to help more than he's comfortable with, but then she's never listened to him when he said he could handle something on his own. that was never their problem, was it. it's 3am and he's throwing up again and he tries to remember what their problems were, tries to remember why she threw him out, why spock and jim threw him out, why everyone he's ever loved has -

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter, does it. how many months does he have left? how many people does he have left that can throw him away? if they're not already gone, at least he will be, soon.

he's written his letters and he's arranged his affairs. he won't let it get as bad it he knows it will get. he won't -

he will not ever let anyone hear him -

he wonders, some nights, what it cost his dad to ask him. thinks about what it had cost leonard himself to ask chapel to stay silent, what it had cost him to ask kirk to let him stay, what it had cost -

he's blocked all avenues of communication from kirk and spock, by now. hasn't answered scotty or uhura for weeks. he'd tried to block chapel, but she -

she shows up on his doorstep six months after he leaves the enterprise. tells him she's taking a leave of absence to care for a family member. tells him, with that steady smile and cautious eyes that she's been in contact with jocelyn. shows him the documentation that she's listed as his next of kin.

jocelyn must have forged that, he thinks. wants to laugh. wants to punch a goddamn wall.

go back to the ship, he tells her, you're gonna fuck up your career taking a leave like this.

i only joined the enterprise to find roger, she says. c'mon, leonard. love always comes first. we only have so much time.

he can see it in her eyes, that she knows why he doesn't want her there. not after his father - he's never told her that, and he knows jocelyn never would. but she's always called him her worst patient. always known he could never let himself be vulnerable. used to chide him about it. used to -

you're not gonna kick me out into the cold, are you? she asks.

you really think i'm gonna let you boss me around my last few months on earth?

3am that night, she runs a cool washcloth across the back of his neck, brings him a glass of water so he can rinse out his mouth, says nothing at the angry, helpless tears in his eyes.

it takes her a week to ask him. she has more patience than he gave her credit for.

you gonna talk to them?

there's only one them for him, isn't there.

there isn't anything left to say, he says. it's the truth, isn't it?

you're really going to keep pushing them away?

they did that on their own, he says. wishes he meant it. wishes he -

let me stay, he thinks. release me, he thinks. don't tell anyone, he thinks. let me help you, he thinks. you've got to hold on, he thinks. let me -

he knows his father loved him. he loved his father, too. loved him so much that he would have given anything -

did. did give everything. gave his father up. gave his father up, and then had to live with it. has been living with it all these years.

he's tired of asking people for things that they can't give him. tired of not asking people for things they want to give him.

tired. just tired. been tired all his life, hasn't he. steeped in it.

looks at joanna's blue eyes, and sees the exhaustion in her. sees his own eyes, doesn't he. sees his own eyes, looking at his father. begging him.

i've done everything i can do. you've got to hang on.

hold on, he thinks. because he begged him, too. begged his father, too. he forgets that part of the story, sometimes, but it's been hard to forget, lately. thinks about joanna kneeling by his body, begging him. begging him to hold on.

why had he asked his father to hold on when he was so desperate to let go? why had he tried to make him stay when he was hurting so badly? was he that scared of being alone?

lonely, he thinks. he's lived a lonely life, hasn't he.

was that the last time he begged someone to stay?

he hadn't begged jocelyn. didn't even ask her to stay, did he. just listened to her, and nodded, and threw his shit together, and kissed joanna on the head, and took off to a hotel.

to a hotel. why hadn't he gone to a friend's? why hadn't he gone to a friend, and sat down, and poured out everything that was going on? why hadn't he asked for help? why hadn't he asked jocelyn for help before things got as bad as they did? maybe there wasn't anything still left to save, but it took them years to be friends again, didn't it. couldn't he at least have left as friends, instead of making them claw their way back to it?

he asks her, one day. she's taking him to the doctor. even chapel isn't able to sway her when jocelyn decides on something, and she's decided she wants to be here for him. so he asks her.

that was one of our problems, she says. says it easy, now, even though her mouth pinches, like it still hurts a little. you never needed me, leonard. never wanted to need me. i always felt like i had to bulldoze you if i wanted to help you, which eventually starts to feel a little counterproductive. and things haven't really changed, have they? you're just too tired to fight me anymore.

he is, he thinks. he is tired.

he is so tired of letting go of things. of being let go of. of running away. of being run from.

a lonely life, he thinks.

thinks, hold on, dad. please don't leave me. please keep fighting. i need you to keep fighting. please don't leave me.

wonders, now, with the benefit of hindsight, what his dad must have thought when he heard him begging. did he think leonard selfish?

is joanna selfish, he thinks. is chapel? is jocelyn?

it's just humans, isn't it. just humans trying to hold on a little longer. don't leave me. don't make me leave.

and then, finally, let me go.

he hasn't told chapel that he's made plans. he should. he can't and he won't. he doesn't need her to -

he doesn't want her to ask him not to do it. he doesn't want her to ask him to stay. to fight. to linger.

nine months since he left the enterprise. he can't focus on the studies that chapel still reads religiously. still looking for answers. he remembers that. he remembers how that feels. he remembers the hope and the hopelessness tangling together.

we have time, joanna says every time they talk. we will have time.

hold on, he thinks. keep fighting, he thinks.

spock and kirk have resorted to sending physical letters and packages.

let me go, he thinks. they pile up in his study, unopened. let me go, let me go, let me -

jocelyn and joanna come over for dinner a few times a week, chapel and jocelyn talking easily together, joanna's eyes too often focused on the way leonard moves the food around on his plate but barely eat. he barely keeps anything down these days. he watches those blue eyes watch him watch her, and he -

are you going to open those letters? jocelyn asks him, and he wants to laugh. wants to cry.

it doesn't matter, he says.

she takes his face in her hands, her eyes serious, her voice steady. it's all that matters, leonard.

she loved him, once. loves him all over again now, he thinks. it's a gift, isn't it, to be loved.

it's a curse, as well.

you're his doctor -

i'm his son!

3am, and there's nothing inside of him to throw up, nothing inside him left to claw out, nothing but his still beating heart, his paper-thin lungs, the last few secrets he's swallowed and never spat out.

he sits down amid the letters and the packages, but can't bring himself to open them. what could it matter, he thinks, if they care? he knows they care. what would it matter, he thinks, if they love him? he knows they love him as best as they're able. what does it matter if they did what they thought was the right thing to do?

he's never going to see them again.

he's never going to see them again, is he. he's never -

it's too much to cry through, so he doesn't cry. just sits there, amid the letters and the packages, the last desperate resort they had to try to contact him. to try to make him listen.

they'd made him leave, so he'd left, hadn't he? hadn't he done what they wanted?

if you'll keep this to yourself -

he hadn't really asked, had he. hadn't been able to bring himself to ask. not the real question. not what he'd really meant.

kirk had given him his answer anyway, hadn't he. hadn't even given it a day before asking for a replacement. that's how easy he was to replace, wasn't he. and they'd found one, and they'd brought them aboard, and mccoy had walked away without looking back.

kirk had wanted to talk, then, too, but what was there left to say? he could count on one hand the number of times he'd really asked kirk for something. he could -

i'll call you, kirk had called after him, and mccoy hadn't looked back. hadn't answer any of his calls. had blocked him. and now, these letters and packages piled around him.

spock had barely said anything at all. mccoy had already been so turned inside out that he'd thought little of it. if kirk didn't want him, of course spock wouldn't want him, either.

besides, if mccoy had a year left, what the logic in spock trying to remain in contact with him? what was a year worth? what was a friend worth? what was mccoy -

it doesn't matter, he thinks. tries to think. tries to will himself to believe. it doesn't matter, because if he lets it matter -

he falls asleep out there, that night. chapel chides him, but she can't do much more than that. he's deteriorating rapidly, now.

he should call them, he thinks for the first time. thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. remember him like this.

his plans are made. his letters are written. the hypo -

he should call them, he thinks. can't bear to do so.

thinks of his father, begging, thinks of him begging his father.

thinks of kirk's face before mccoy had turned away. the careful blankness of spock's when he'd started to raise his fingers in the vulcan salute, and then bitten back his traditional goodbye. live long and prosper, mccoy snorts. what a goddamn joke.

he should call them, he decides. he'll keep it brief. just long enough that they won't have to haunted by any what-ifs. he can give that to them. he should give that to them. just because he's always been the one who'd loved more than he should doesn't mean they don't love him at all. he knows they do. he knows he's hurt them.

thinks he can swallow down his own hurt one last time, swallow it down long enough to give them the goodbye they need. give them what they need, even if it hurts him to do so.

the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...

he's good at giving people what they need, isn't he. just once -

it doesn't matter. he won't let it matter. not for this. he'll let them go. let them let him go. give them what they need.

he worries over it for one more night, and then he checks his comm. there are too many messages to even glimpse at - it seems like half the enterprise has tried to contact him over the last three days. he worries over that for a moment as well - has something happened? is someone hurt? is someone - well. is someone besides him dying?

he can't take the time to read or watch them now, though. his brain gets too foggy too quickly these days, and he has to use his time to his best advantage.

he unblocks spock and jim.

hesitates over both of their photos for a moment, deciding. not that it matters - they're probably together.

jim will be angrier, but he'll be more hurt if he calls spock first. his head is pounding. his mouth is dry. it will have to be a short call. at least he has that - he can turn it off whenever he wants, escape them any time he wants. there's a universe between them.

they put a universe between them.

he calls jim. waits. almost laughs at the idea that all this build-up, he might not answer. probably can't answer. probably too busy saving the universe.

what was he thinking? that he was going to just sit and wait around for him? kirk didn't even want him there. he didn't - of course he wouldn't -

he's being foolish. he'll try back later. he has time. he still has a little left, doesn't he. a few more weeks. maybe a few months if he's lucky.

he's never been that lucky, has he. the great mccoy curse.

he reaches for his comm, decides not to leave a message, decides -

bones? jim says. his eyes look wild. he looks so young. he looks so old, somehow, too.

hi, jim, mccoy says. his voice sounds steady. his hands are steady.

did they finally get through to you? jim asks. he's speaking so fast it's almost hard to parse the words, or maybe that's just mccoy's tired brain.

what?

the crew, did they finally get through to you? they've been trying non-stop -

i don't know what you're talking about, jim.

that's the house, a voice suspiciously like spock's says. mccoy smiles a little. he knew they'd be together. they've always been at their best together, haven't they. never needed -

just hold on, bones, jim says, and mccoy rolls his eyes. of course. death bed goodbyes, and of course he's being asked to hold. he shouldn't have called. he shouldn't -

why don't you just gimme a call when you're free, mccoy says, trying to keep his voice light. trying so hard it feels like he's choking on the words. choking on the love. choking, choking, choking.

bones -

i should go, mccoy says. got a busy day myself. tell spock i said hi.

tell himself, you goddamn idiot, kirk says.

there's a knock at the door, and mccoy wants to get off of this call, wants to lock himself away, can't beginto deal with whoever is visiting, can't bear to see joanna like this, can't -

i have to go, jim, mccoy says.

there's a louder banging on the door, and mccoy drags a hand across his forehead.

you aren't going anywhere, you sonuvabitch, kirk says

and then someone starts trying to break the goddamn door down, and mccoy bolts to his feet. sways.

sit down, bones, kirk says, his face too close to the screen, his eyes wide and worried, sit down before you fall down and kill yourself

it doesn't matter, mccoy says, barely realizing he's saying it out loud until he hears kirk's sharp inhale

there are footsteps in the hallway

maybe someone's coming to kill him. it makes as much sense as anything else, and he's so tired, isn't he.

keep fighting.

he's just so tired.

hold on.

he slumps back onto the couch. closes his eyes.

i have to go, he says. says it to jim, to spock, to the footsteps coming closer and closer. you have to let me go.

someone sits down next to him. puts their hand on his thigh.

you're not going anywhere, jim says.

and then mccoy frowns, a little. blinks his eyes open.

that voice didn't sound like it was coming from a communicator. that sounded like -

jim is sitting next to him, and spock is moving rapidly around to the other side of the couch. sitting down next to him as well.

what - he says, disoriented. wide-eyed.

afraid.

we have found a cure, doctor, spock says, reaching out and taking mccoy's wrist gently in his hand.

you aren't going anywhere, jim says. i'm not gonna let you.

what are you doing here? mccoy says.

what the hell do you think? jim says, his hand tightening on mccoy's thigh.

leonard, spock says. we are bringing you home.